


Harry Knows Best

by AwesomeSauce010



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: But don't tell him that, Crack Fic, Except Remus, Gen, Harry Has Issues, I'm sorry Remus, Insane Harry Potter, Narcissist Harry, Offensive Humor, Profanity, Sexual Themes, everyone is at least a little crazy, harry has no idea what he's talking about most of the time, the only sane one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:54:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25547791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwesomeSauce010/pseuds/AwesomeSauce010
Summary: Harry is true perfection. Why can't everyone just accept that?
Comments: 4
Kudos: 74





	Harry Knows Best

**ONCE UPON A TIME** in a big land of shit there was a boy named Harry. Harry knew since he was a young’n that he most definitely was the best person in the world. He was simply the greatest. He had fun with Dudley by flushing his head down the toilet, and then taking his head out of the toilet and putting him in a string thong. He then took Dudley’s long, greasy hair and tied it up in a small pony tail on the top of his head. He added a bow for good measure. He took Dudley out in public afterwards, using his belly fat as a trampoline. Dudley passed out. Disappointedly, when he woke up Dudley was no longer in the amazing outfit. Apparently, he had died, and his stomach had exploded. Harry's trampoline was no more.

Petunia was next, in all her horse-like glory. Harry liked horses, and always thought his aunt resembled a horse-like cow. He wanted to ride a horse, so he asked his aunt if he could ride her. She had given him a disgusted look and called him words Harry didn’t understand. He never learned the true meaning. Still, he would get his way. So, the next day he asked her to bend over and let him get on her horse-like back. She had threatened to kill him for being a ‘disgusting freak’. Harry didn’t quite understand what her problem was. She looked like a horse, therefore he should be able to ride her… shouldn’t he? She had avoided him since. 

Vernon was next, Harry had a _special_ kind of hatred for him. After all, Vernon was, simply put, a major fucking asshole. Harry had, of course, wanted to kill the whale-pig-human-like creature, but he didn’t want Animal Protection Services or whatever called on him, as it would be animal cruelty. He knew what he had to do. A few weeks after the Petunia incident, he was cooking breakfast. Harry had always known it’s bad to give pig’s bacon, because that was cannibalism. So, when he went to the store for dinner, he got some pig food just for Vernon. When he sat it in front of Vernon, his Uncle’s face went a lovely shade of purple. He calmly explained that his Uncle had been eating his brothers and sisters, as he was a pig as well. 

Harry didn’t understand his Uncle’s rage, he just knew it was there. Harry stared blankly at him before clearing his throat. “Are you a whale then, Uncle Vernon? I’m sorry for my mistake.”

“I'm a human you daft, idiotic child!” Vernon barked. Harry briefly entrained the idea that Veron was a dog, but quickly decided against it because dogs were usually nice.

“Don't daft and idiotic mean the same thing? Also, don’t be silly Uncle. If you were fully human, you would be nowhere near as daft as you are.”

The next day, while Harry calmly sat in the garden, an old man appeared. Harry had screamed when the man touched his shoulder -- wasn’t that what he was supposed to do? He later learned calling a man who you think was going to kidnap you a ‘disgusting old fucking creepy piece of shit’ was not wise. 

“My name is Albus Dumbledore, please hush child.”

Harry, being the best person in the world, instantly turned to the old man. “Well Dumblefuck, I could care less.” 

Dumbledore looked shocked. “Dumbledore my dear child, Dumble-door.”

“Dumb-old--fuck” Harry said sweetly. “Get the hell off my lawn.” 

“It’s not your lawn Harry, my boy. It’s your Aunt and Uncles'.” Dumbledore said, surprisingly calm.

Harry blinked, “But they are both animals. Animals can not own property, therefore it is mine.”

Dumbledore sighed. “Your relatives are not animals, my dear boy.”

“You're fucking creepy, old man. Don't call me dear!”

Dumbledore turned the same lovely shade of purple as Vernon before he took some deep breaths. “Dumble-door, child.”

“Dumble-” Harry began. Dumbledore nodded. “Dumb-” Dumbledore once again nodded. “-ass bitch.”

Dumbledore had never hit a child -- excluding a few students -- but that was beside the point. Right now, he was pretty close with Harry Potter. “Dumble-door,” he repeated.

“Dumb-old-whore?” Harry said, giddy. He just loved pissing off adults. 

“I’m not a whore!” Dumbledore huffed. “Listen here child, Dumble-door.”

“Ugly-whore,” Harry sang. He heard a male laugh, happily turning to his father.

“Daddy, this mean man is trying to kidnap me.”

“Tell him that Daddy will slit his throat,” said his father, James Potter.

Harry nodded, turning to the old man. “Daddy says he will slit your throat.”

“Honestly, James, that’s a lame threat,” huffed the voice of his mother, Lily Potter nee Evans. “Harry, dear, tell the Dumb-old-whore, Mummy is going to dismember him and make him into poisons cause that is all he is useful for.”

Harry nodded. “Mummy says that she’s going to dismember you and make you into poisons cause that is all you are useful for.”

“You can pronounce threats but not Dumble-door?” Dumbledore seethed, wondering if he could frame Harry for murder and place him next to his godfather.

"Dumble-” Harry began. “Dumb-old-liar.”

Dumbledore had nearly lost his composure then and there. 

Harry turned to his laughing parents, “Tell him ‘That’s what you get, you old fucker. for placing Harry here,’” Lily told him. Harry nodded.

“Mummy says that is what you get, you old fucker, for placing Harry here,” Harry grinned.

Dumbledore lost it. He grabbed Harry and they both disappeared.

_((SCENE CHANGER)) - - Azkaban - -_

Harry was in a new place. It was cold and made of stone. “Insane child,” he muttered, throwing Harry into a cell. 

Harry looked at the ragged man across from him. “Hello, my name is Harry Potter.”

“Sirius Black,” replied the man, frowning. “You shouldn’t be here. Why are you here?”

“Some old man kidnapped me, said his name was Dumbledore. Why are you here?” Harry asked, sitting crossed legged on the old ratty bed.

“Well, soon, it will be for the murder of Albus Dumbledore, but for now I was framed.” Sirius leaned his head against the cell wall.

His father grinned.“Tell old Paddy to cut his hair - he looks like a shaggy dog!”

Harry grinned widely. “Daddy says to cut your hair and you look like a shaggy dog!”

Sirius blinked. "Alright then, you aren’t entirely sane are you?"

Harry cocked his head to the side. "I am perfection.”

“Right, of course,” Sirius nodded. “But a tad bit… insane?”

“Of course. All the fun people are.” Lily huffed.

“Mummy says all the fun people are.”

Sirius blinked. “Do you see your parents?” Harry nodded.

“Do you see anyone else?” 

Harry contemplated. “Sometimes I see this goldfish. Oh, and a talking tree!” 

“A talking tree?” Sirius repeated. “Do you only see your parents, the goldfish, and the tree?”

Harry shook his head. “Sometimes I see this angel named Lucifer. He tells me to do bad things, though.”

“You see Lucifer?” Sirius nearly coughed on air. “What does he tell you to do?”

Harry shrugged. “To pour gas on to my Aunt and Uncle’s bed. He said it would make them warm. Mummy said not to because that’s very, very bad.”

Sirius felt his eyes widen. “Lucifer did what?”

Harry looked out the window. “He also told me to celebrate my cousins untimely death, but Daddy said that’s a little too twisted.”

“Right.” Sirius nodded, worrying for his godson's sanity.

Harry looked to his father. “Should we kill him? He seems like he has ulterior motives. After all, who would intentionally be nice to me without a motive?” 

Sirius paled. “No! I have no ulterior motives. Please, Harry, don’t kill me.”

“Let’s keep Padfoot around, see if he kills himself after spending time with you.” James laughed. 

Harry frowned. “What do you mean? I am amazing. Why would anyone want to kill themselves after spending time with me?”

Berry, the talking tree, appeared. “Because you're an annoying fuck. Sometimes I wish that I never came back as a ghost.” 

“Go find a nice forest fire, Berry.” Harry snarled. “Maybe the fire will warm up your cold, dead heart.”

“Is Berry the talking tree?” Sirius asked. Harry looked to him.

“Yes, he died in a forest fire.” 

Sirius' previous unease increased significantly, but he decided to play along. “Prongs?"

“Tell Paddy that Daddy is angry that he is a stupid bitch and hunted down that rat."

Harry nodded, turning to Sirius and he smiled gleefully. “Daddy says that he is angry that you're a stupid bitch and hunted down the rat.”

There was a moment of silence as neither of them knew how to continue the conversation. Suddenly, Sirius’ stomach growled. So, he did the most logical thing. Sirius took out his phone and ate it. “MMMMMMM,” he starts. “Muy sabroso.” 

Harry gave him an odd look. “Listen. I know I am fucked in the head, but even I'm not _that_ fucked."

Sirius stared at him oddly. “You don’t eat phones? How about children? Do you eat children?” 

“No, but I did kill my cousin when we were children.” Harry responded. “About a week ago. Do you eat children?”

“No! What kind of monster eats children? What kind of monster doesn’t eat phones?!! They are the most delicious things ever!” Sirius roared. 

“Tell Sirius that Mummy says he’s a hot piece of ass.” James looked enraged, and Harry let out a cackle. 

“Mummy says that you’re a hot piece of ass.” Harry tilted his head. “What does that mean exactly? Is this something else that I, the smartest person alive, does not understand?” 

Sirius laughed, “I’ll tell you when you’re older. What else do you not understand?” 

“Are you accusing ME, THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THE WORLD, of not understanding something?!?! HOW DARE YOU!?????” 

“You just said there is something else you do not understand." Sirius argued. “What is it? I’m sure that you are the smartest person in the world.”

“I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING!!!! There is nothing I don’t understand! Don’t spew lies from your mouth, bitch!” 

“Merlin! Okay kid, you understand everything minus what a hot piece of ass means..”

“I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! It means you have a fever, and you are an ass!” 

Sirius held back from laughing. “Sure kid, that is what that means.”

“IS THAT A SMILE CREEPING ON YOUR HIDEOUS FACE!!??? HOW DARE YOU??!!!! I AM THE BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD! I DESERVE YOUR RESPECT! BOW DOWN AND LICK ME!”

Sirius felt a wave of disgust wave over him. “I certainly will not young man!” 

Harry sighed. “Fine, I will lick you instead.”

SIrius backed away. “You most certainly will not! That is inappropriate!” 

“No, it’s not! Come here!” Harry inched closer until Sirius was backed against the wall. Harry licked his cheek. “See? Nothing is inappropriate.”

Sirius gave his godson a disgusted look. “NEVER do that again!”

“You eat phones!” Harry huffed. “As if that is any less disgusting!! YOU are so wasteful!” 

"Phones are, by far, the best things I have ever eaten!! Don't be judgemental." Sirius crossed his arms, insulted on behalf of phone-eaters everywhere. He magically made another phone appear. "Here, try one!"

Out of nowhere, a man appeared. Harry could practically smell the wet dog on him. Harry wanted him to lick him. That's what dogs were meant for, after all. An alternative to showering. 

“I think not!" The man screeched, almost a growl. Harry giggled. What a huge, aggressive dog. “Do not eat another phone! Or encourage Harry to eat phones! What the fuck, Sirius?!”

“Tell Remus that I think he is smokin’ fucking hot.” James said, glaring at Lily. She just smiled sweetly back at him.

“Remus?” Harry said to the huge dog. Remus turned to him.“Daddy says to tell you he thinks you are smokin’ fucking hot.”

“What! Do you even know what that means?” Remus asked, horrified.

“It means you have a fever because you were smoking. You've been a very bad boy.” Harry stated before smiling, “Now bow to me and lick me, for I am your superior.”

“I'm weird for eating phones but he licks people!” Sirius huffed, throwing his hands in the air.

“I will not lick you! Merlin that is revolting - ” Remus was cut off when Harry pounced on him and licked his check.

“You both are fuckin werid.” Harry huffed. "You remind me of my Aunt. She no longer talks to me.” Harry frowned, unaware of why his aunt would avoid him, the best thing that had ever happened to her.

“Why is that?” Remus asked.

“I told her to bend over so I could ride her. She said no because she's weird.”

“Ride her?” Sirius asked.

“She is a horse and I wanted to ride a horse." Harryś tone conveyed it should be obvious.

“Harry. That doesn't mean what you think.” Remus said uneasily, Sirius cackling in the background.

“HOW DARE YOU EXCUSE ME OF NOT KNOWING SOMETHING!!? I AM THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE!!!!! I KNOW EVERYTHING! I AM NEVER WRONG!!!” Harry screamed. 

“Alright, fine. What is 4 times 4?” Remus asked, straightening his posture. 

Harry frowned. "That is a dumb question."

“16.” Remus answered simply. "It's alright not to know something - "

“THERE IS NOTHING I DO NOT KNOW! WHATEVER I SAY SHOULD BE TAKEN AS THE WORD OF GOD!” Harry fumed, crossing his arms.

“Your ego is bigger the the universe.” Sirius muttered.

“And your stupidity triples by the moment!” Harry snapped, fed up these men did not understand he was superior to them.

"Harry, just listen - " Sirius tried to reason. 

"NO!" Harry looked to his parents. They wore matching grins as they nodded. "Do it, Harry! Here's a bomb. It should explode the entire cell!" James stated happily. 

Sirius and Remus saw the bomb randomly appear in Harry's hands, and their eyes widened. 

"Harry, listen to me!" Remus yells frantically. "You don't want to - " but it was too late.

Berry, the talking tree, used his fire powers to light the match.

**Boom.**

Everyone was dead.

Sirius sighed in relief as he was greeted with Remus' face in an all-white room. If Harry was willing to kill them, Sirius was officially terrified. 

He felt breath of his ear and tensed. Surely Death wouldn't be that so cruel as to -- 

"Berry told me to tell you that you can't die. You're stuck with me forever! You are so lucky!" Sirius couldn't help it.

He screamed.

**THE END.**


End file.
